Existing =/= Living.

I thoroughly promised myself that I would not talk about personal issues in this blog...So expect nothing less than a high level of vagueness in these types of posts. I just know a lot of people like to creep and know what's going on in my life. I'm a hot topic, a controversial one at that. That's not even cockiness, that's on some, "I have proof" shit. So I'm going to keep it brief.

The past 4 days have been a big wad of shit. Just shit and nothing else. No small little positives floating around, just shit. I'm always one to look at the glass as half full, but when you don't have any resources to fill it with, then you might as well just be straight out, and admit it's simply been shit filled.

Lately I have been engaging in self-taught lessons on how to become a heartless bitch. I'm sick of carrying around a heavy heart. It isn't my heart, it's small pieces of everyone else's hearts that crumple into one like a rough draft and just sit there weighing shit down. I used to be able to be a complete dueche and not feel any repercussions whatsoever. At least not enough to act on them. However, lately, it's all one sided. It is all me, and not you. I am the villain, you're always the victim...Even if it's not that way in your head, it still is in mine. No matter what is done to me, come morning or a couple of hours later, it will hit me like a bad hang over and I'll feel every inch of me sinking...Even when I should still be afloat held by all of the anger from the things you said. I still sink.

It's so funny because, I've never liked those who play the victim. It's just one of those things that always made my teeth grit. You know those people who just sit there and pick and pick and pick, so you give them what they want, and then they throw it back at you? That's just the height of no ballsy-ness. I have never been one to be compassionate in that area. You asked for it, I handed it to you, and now you want to whine about how mistreated you are? It just doesn't work like that. It's like sitting there and sawing a piece of wood bit by bit and then getting pissed off when it actually breaks. The consequences you got were the ones you were subconsciously asking for...I'm not the bad guy, I'm the giver. I gave you what you longed for.

Aeroplane

I hear the buzz at ten past 3,
The wings crocheting over me,
A blunted noise, no nuisance due,
The cockpit replacing the absence of you,
No voices to chase, no thoughts to pluck,
A pleasant relic when unwholesomeness struck,
Brain waves satellite through drooping clouds,
And question me what the passengers are thinking now,
Are they thinking of oatmeal, of learning, or seas?
Are they thinking of what has been eating at me?
Another dawn wasted, it’s now five after nine,
And everyone’s sleeping, except aeroplane and I.